A moment of reflection

I originally wrote this a year ago, but finally decided to post it here to give people an insight to what makes me me.

“Smile--Make 'em think you're happy
Lie--And say that things are fine
And hide that empty longing that you feel
Don't ever show it
Just keep your heart concealed
Why--Are the days so lonely
Where can a heart go free
And who will dry the tears that no one's seen
There must be someone
To share your silent dreams”
from Wayne Watson’s Friend of a Wounded Heart

During the last couple of months I have done a lot of soul searching and trying to figure out who I am and why I am that way. One thing I have figured out is that I don’t show when I am hurting. I build walls and I don’t let people close and I keep my feelings at bay. Why? Basically because it scares me to trust. To me, trust means being vulnerable and that is something I won’t allow myself or I try not to. I am supposed to be the strong one, the one that everyone turns to. I don’t need to turn to anyone. In the words of my 3 year old “I can do it myself”. Call me stubborn, hard-headed, proud, I’ve heard it all. It’s something I am not proud of.

Well, I have failed, I’m human. Circumstances recently have left me extremely vulnerable, needing to trust, needing to lean on someone other than myself, needing to break down the walls that have been up for so long. Vulnerable enough to where I feel I can now share my story. A story that is 35 years in the making.


The Reason Why

When I look deep within, I do not like what I see.
I need to realize these things will always be a part of me.

The way people act towards me, the things that they say
Run through my mind each and every passing day.

My memories of the past 35 years
Should have brought more smiles than tears

But instead, they bring more heartache and pain
Than I would ever care to explain.

"She's just stupid" came the teacher's reply.
I didn't have the heart or the courage to even ask why.

Sitting in the back of the room though she knew I couldn't hear.
"She'll never amount to much" she said with a sneer.

It did not matter that I heard what she had to say.
I can still feel the pain that I felt on that day.

How was I to feel? What was I to do?
A teacher is someone you're supposed to look up to.

Studying in a closet or sometimes in the hall,
My grades along with my esteem began to fall.

At the tender age of seven or eight,
My life was awful when it should have been great.

My classmates soon learned that they could get away
With making fun of me each and every day.

When I look back at my school days, I don't have a fond memory at all.
Not one in spring, summer, winter or fall.

As if school wasn't bad enough,
There were other issues that made growing up tough.

I've always been poked and prodded about my weight.
I've been made to feel like a 3 story house with a big white gate.

I have always been large, but dreamt of being small.
That will never happen in spite of it all.

Friendships to me never came with much ease.
"Why don't they like me?" I'm eager to please.

The ones that would last, I hold forever true.
These are more precious to me than they would ever be to you.

Growing up with a group of seven.
By the time we were 15, most were in heaven.

To lose 4 friends within a short time span.
There was no-one there when I needed a hand.

I've been told to forget because they are gone.
I guess it is easier said than done.

It's time I guess, to put these thoughts in the past.
It's the scars that will always manage to last.

These examples are only just a few
Of the reasons why I feel the way I do.

Michelle R. Dickey

People say that I'm amazingStrong beyond my years
But they don't see inside of me
I'm hiding all the tears
And they don't know that I go running home when I fall down
They don't know who picks me up when no one is around
I drop my sword and cry for just a while
'Cause deep inside this armor
The warrior is a child