A moment of reflection

I originally wrote this a year ago, but finally decided to post it here to give people an insight to what makes me me.

“Smile--Make 'em think you're happy
Lie--And say that things are fine
And hide that empty longing that you feel
Don't ever show it
Just keep your heart concealed
Why--Are the days so lonely
Where can a heart go free
And who will dry the tears that no one's seen
There must be someone
To share your silent dreams”
from Wayne Watson’s Friend of a Wounded Heart

During the last couple of months I have done a lot of soul searching and trying to figure out who I am and why I am that way. One thing I have figured out is that I don’t show when I am hurting. I build walls and I don’t let people close and I keep my feelings at bay. Why? Basically because it scares me to trust. To me, trust means being vulnerable and that is something I won’t allow myself or I try not to. I am supposed to be the strong one, the one that everyone turns to. I don’t need to turn to anyone. In the words of my 3 year old “I can do it myself”. Call me stubborn, hard-headed, proud, I’ve heard it all. It’s something I am not proud of.

Well, I have failed, I’m human. Circumstances recently have left me extremely vulnerable, needing to trust, needing to lean on someone other than myself, needing to break down the walls that have been up for so long. Vulnerable enough to where I feel I can now share my story. A story that is 35 years in the making.


The Reason Why

When I look deep within, I do not like what I see.
I need to realize these things will always be a part of me.

The way people act towards me, the things that they say
Run through my mind each and every passing day.

My memories of the past 35 years
Should have brought more smiles than tears

But instead, they bring more heartache and pain
Than I would ever care to explain.

"She's just stupid" came the teacher's reply.
I didn't have the heart or the courage to even ask why.

Sitting in the back of the room though she knew I couldn't hear.
"She'll never amount to much" she said with a sneer.

It did not matter that I heard what she had to say.
I can still feel the pain that I felt on that day.

How was I to feel? What was I to do?
A teacher is someone you're supposed to look up to.

Studying in a closet or sometimes in the hall,
My grades along with my esteem began to fall.

At the tender age of seven or eight,
My life was awful when it should have been great.

My classmates soon learned that they could get away
With making fun of me each and every day.

When I look back at my school days, I don't have a fond memory at all.
Not one in spring, summer, winter or fall.

As if school wasn't bad enough,
There were other issues that made growing up tough.

I've always been poked and prodded about my weight.
I've been made to feel like a 3 story house with a big white gate.

I have always been large, but dreamt of being small.
That will never happen in spite of it all.

Friendships to me never came with much ease.
"Why don't they like me?" I'm eager to please.

The ones that would last, I hold forever true.
These are more precious to me than they would ever be to you.

Growing up with a group of seven.
By the time we were 15, most were in heaven.

To lose 4 friends within a short time span.
There was no-one there when I needed a hand.

I've been told to forget because they are gone.
I guess it is easier said than done.

It's time I guess, to put these thoughts in the past.
It's the scars that will always manage to last.

These examples are only just a few
Of the reasons why I feel the way I do.

Michelle R. Dickey

People say that I'm amazingStrong beyond my years
But they don't see inside of me
I'm hiding all the tears
And they don't know that I go running home when I fall down
They don't know who picks me up when no one is around
I drop my sword and cry for just a while
'Cause deep inside this armor
The warrior is a child

An Active imagination (his and mine)

For the past year and a half, Dylan has been, how do I put it, OBSESSED with Space. Mind you he isn't quite 4 1/2 yet. This really seems to be an interest for him. By the start of the school year in August, he could name ALL of the planets, tell which ones were made out of gas and which ones where solids, which ones were hot, and which ones were cold. Then he started Pre-K and their very first unit was on the Solar System. Dylan was in heaven. He loved the fact that he could tell me that Pluto was no longer a planet. :)

Recently, we were discussing Halloween costumes and I asked him what he wanted to be. I was thinking Fireman, policeman, dinosaur, etc.... At first he told me a Rocket, then he said "Mom, I want to be the Solar System". I'm thinking "Oh, S$%^". However, since I had always told him that he could be anything he wanted to be and I didn't want to back down on that, he will be the Solar System. It has definately taken alot of imagination and creativity. Most of all it has taken alot of hard work and research. Honestly, if I had to do it all over again, I would do it if for no other reason than I love my son.

The only part of his costume not shown is his hat, which will consist of a yellow "Gilligan" hat with miniture versions of the planets attached to it. The Jacket has all of the planets listed on the sleeves. Everything, planets, constellations, stars, words are done where they glow-in-the dark. I will take more pictures Halloween night.

Dylan's 1st Day of Pre-K

Today Dylan started Pre-K. I don't know where the time has gone. When I woke him up this morning, I told him that we needed to get dressed because he had big boy school today. He got up, got dressed and was waiting at the door in 15 minutes. This is very unusual because normally he fights me about getting dressed.

We arrived at school at 12:45 since he is in the afternoon program (he spent the morning at daycare) and took a few pictures. When they opened the door at 1, he walked right in like he had been doing this all of his life. He didn't even look back. Robert & I stood at the door and watched him find his spot, sit down and start working.

Of course, when I picked him up, I asked him what he did today. His response??? "I don't know. " I want to hear details. He's my baby and more than likely the only one I will ever have. He will never have a FIRST 1st day of school ever again and I don't really know what he did.

Summer 2008 in Review

I've recently noticed that I haven't blogged much, at all, since May 13th. It has been quite the emotional summer. Towards the end of the school year, my sister in law was diagnosed with a brain tumor and required surgery. We later discovered that it was cancer. She has just finished 6 weeks of radiation and chemotherapy. We are praying that all goes well.

In June, we celebrated Dylan's 4th birthday. Where has the time gone. It seems like it was just yesterday that I was bringing a 7 lb - 21 inch bundle of joy home from the hospital. Now he is 44 inches and weighs 66 lbs and starting Pre- Kindergarten next Friday. Dylan & I also got to spend some time with some very dear friends from Norway, Nick and Lonnie Myklebust. I didn't realize how much I missed them until I saw them.

July was pretty uneventful, with me returning to work after 6 weeks (ugh). We were supposed to be in our new building by Aug 1, but with all of the rain it has been pushed back. We are hoping to be in by the middle of October, but I am NOT holding my breath. Whenever we get it will be wonderful. http://www.kansas.com/209/story/475003.html

August so far has been much the same as July. Trying to get Dylan and myself back into the school routine of getting up early and out the door on time. It doesn't always happen the way I want it to, but it's getting better. Now I will just have to get into the routine of picking him up at 12:30 to take him to school.

Update

It has been brought to my attention lately that I haven't blogged in quite a while. I appologize for that, but so much has been going on. In the last few months we've had a back surgery, added a new roommate, and the chicken pox. Poor Dylan had the chicken pox a few weeks ago. I would have taken pictures but they weren't in the most decent of areas if you know what I mean. He had over 100 just in his groin area. I can't imaging what it would have been like if he hadn't received the vaccine. :(

It is so hard to believe that the school year has almost come to an end. We have 8 days to go (not that I am counting). I love my job and I love my kids, it's just that there is sooooo much to do within the next 9 days that my head is spinning.

The school that I work for is getting a new building FINALLY! It is so needed, the building that we are currently in has no AC, termites out the wazoo, a dirt parking lot and NO SPACE! We are hoping to be in the new building by July, but I am not holding my breath. Mother Nature just ha not cooperated with the construction crews. I am now hearing rumors that it could be OCTOBER before we get into the new building. So much for me going full time next year :( ! I just don't forsee it happening since we won't be adding new kids.

Dylan is just growing like a weed. The last time he was at the doctor, he was almost 60 lbs and 42 inches tall. Mind you that I am only 64" (5'4). My 4 year old (or almost) shouldn't be over half of my height yet. It's looking like he is going to be tall like his daddy. Thank goodness for hand me downs or I wouldn't be able to keep him clothed. I'm not sure what I am going to do because he is outgrowing the kids we were getting hand me downs from. I'm not sure how they would feel to receive hand me ups.

It appears that he will be attending Pre-K in the fall. Where has the time gone? It seems like it was just yesterday that I was bringing this little 7 lb baby home from the hospital and now look at him. I'm kind of excited about him starting school. He's ready but yet he's not and neither am I.

Pictures.

These are just a few pictures taken during the last few weeks. I can't believe how much he has grown.
My little leprechaun in the St. Patty's parade

44, 45, 46 eggs

Before and after haircut

I think he looks like a totally different child. Not sure if I like it though. I do know that I will never take him to Snip & Clip again. They have absolutely no tolerance for toddlers. All Dylan did was wipe the hair off of his nose and neck and the B(*&% got upset with him. He's 3 1/2 for pete's sake, he's going to move around a little bit.

A piece of the puzzle is missing.

I always seem to get into a major funk around this time of year. I'm sure it has something to do with not knowing what my "story" is. I am adopted and have known this since I was very little. My mom and dad made sure to tell me, that way I wouldn't find out by accident.

I was reunited with my birth mom and sisters in 2000, which has not been an easy relationship. Sometimes I often wish I had not searched. I have a decent relationship with the older of the 2 girls, 12 years younger than me. We talk at least 2 times per month. But the other sister, our age difference is just too great (20 years) that we can't seem to make a connection. I don't know where to begin with my relationship with my birthmom. I have asked many times for background information and every time the story changes. I don't know if she doesn't remember who my birth father is, or if she doesn't want me to know. Either way, it's not fair. I also had a difficult time getting medicial history out of her. I finally had to write to her siblings and they gave me a basic idea of what I needed to know. It's very frustrating.

My birthmom has never acknowledged Dylan, now 3 1/2, more than 2 times in his life. She will fly several states away to visit my sister and her baby, but has never even attempted to come visit us.. But yet she expects to be called "Grandma". In my opinion, that is a title that has to be earned. She also wants to be called "Mom" by me. She gave me life, yes, and made the choice to give me up. For that I am eternally grateful because without her, I wouldn't have Dylan. However, that is where my feelings for her end.

I know this post is very rambled, but it's something that no-one seems to understand. There's no way that they can, they aren't adopted, so this is just a way to let my feelings go and not keep everything bottled up.

Pictures

This was our first family picture taken in October 2007.

This was taken just before Christmas. This was the first time in 3 years that all of the cousins were together at the same time. Caleb was 2 weeks old when the last picture was taken.

Front row l - r: Chloe age 5, Dylan age 3 1/2, Alexa age 7

Back Row l - r: Caleb age 2 3/4, Austin 15, Ashleigh age 17, Victoria age 7 3/4

The feeling of being alone

Have you ever had one of those days when you feel like you are totally alone in the world? No moral support, no shoulder to cry on when you really need it, no-one to say "I'm here if you need to talk" and it will be ok? I have, more often than I would like to count. The last 3 1/2 years have been bad, but this last year, I can't even describe. DH & I seperated a year ago for 4 months for alot of reasons, but basically it was for what he was doing or wasn't doing. That statement itself speaks volumes. DH is on disability for alot of things, so he doesn't work. A year and a half ago, I had to place Dylan into Daycare because he wasn't able to take care of him anymore due to his health issues. I had no problem doing that because it was what was best for my child. But since then DH doesn't help with anything....dishes, laundry, taking care of Dylan, etc. If Dylan is sick, then I take off work. On occassion, he will cook dinner, but then it's back to bed. Anytime I ask for help, I get "I don't feel good" or "my back hurts". I understand he does have severe back issues, to the point where we are looking at an upcoming surgery. And NOTHING gets done unless I ASK him to do it. Then more than likely it doesn't get done anyway unless it's by me. He does help financially, but that is about it. I work part-time but I'm there fulltime hours, because it's better than listening to him complain.We split again in October, for a week. Again it was for the things he wasn't doing. I don't think my birthday has been acknowledged since we first got together. But then again neither has Valentine's Day or Mother's Day. But if I forget those days, heaven forbid. The only part of me that he seemed to acknowledge is between my neck and my knees, if you know what I mean. He never told me he loved me or that he needed me. Still doesn't do it much.Believe it or not, I love the guy. He's the father of my son. I don't want Dylan to be a statistic, however I don't want to live the rest of my life unhappy. Nor do I want to spend my life alone.If you have made it this far, I commend you and thank you for letting me vent.

My son has a heart of gold

This afternoon, I was having a really bad day due to the circumstances here and I was at my breaking point. I was trying to get Dylan down for a nap since he didn't go to daycare due to being "snuffy" (stuffy) and having a bit of a cough, and it wasn't going well. It was the last straw today. I sat on the edge of his bed and just sobbed. This wasn't due to anything that that he had done, just life in general. After a few minutes of him asking me what was wrong and me not answering, he put down his toys and wrapped his arms around me in a big hug. As if that wasn't enough, he started patting my back and saying "Mama, it's alright, Dilly's here." Was this the same 3 1/2 year old boy who was throwing his toys at me, not even 10 minutes ago? Now he's wanting to make everything all better. All I can say, is I pray to God that he continues to be this compassionate.