Update

It has been brought to my attention lately that I haven't blogged in quite a while. I appologize for that, but so much has been going on. In the last few months we've had a back surgery, added a new roommate, and the chicken pox. Poor Dylan had the chicken pox a few weeks ago. I would have taken pictures but they weren't in the most decent of areas if you know what I mean. He had over 100 just in his groin area. I can't imaging what it would have been like if he hadn't received the vaccine. :(

It is so hard to believe that the school year has almost come to an end. We have 8 days to go (not that I am counting). I love my job and I love my kids, it's just that there is sooooo much to do within the next 9 days that my head is spinning.

The school that I work for is getting a new building FINALLY! It is so needed, the building that we are currently in has no AC, termites out the wazoo, a dirt parking lot and NO SPACE! We are hoping to be in the new building by July, but I am not holding my breath. Mother Nature just ha not cooperated with the construction crews. I am now hearing rumors that it could be OCTOBER before we get into the new building. So much for me going full time next year :( ! I just don't forsee it happening since we won't be adding new kids.

Dylan is just growing like a weed. The last time he was at the doctor, he was almost 60 lbs and 42 inches tall. Mind you that I am only 64" (5'4). My 4 year old (or almost) shouldn't be over half of my height yet. It's looking like he is going to be tall like his daddy. Thank goodness for hand me downs or I wouldn't be able to keep him clothed. I'm not sure what I am going to do because he is outgrowing the kids we were getting hand me downs from. I'm not sure how they would feel to receive hand me ups.

It appears that he will be attending Pre-K in the fall. Where has the time gone? It seems like it was just yesterday that I was bringing this little 7 lb baby home from the hospital and now look at him. I'm kind of excited about him starting school. He's ready but yet he's not and neither am I.

Pictures.

These are just a few pictures taken during the last few weeks. I can't believe how much he has grown.
My little leprechaun in the St. Patty's parade

44, 45, 46 eggs

Before and after haircut

I think he looks like a totally different child. Not sure if I like it though. I do know that I will never take him to Snip & Clip again. They have absolutely no tolerance for toddlers. All Dylan did was wipe the hair off of his nose and neck and the B(*&% got upset with him. He's 3 1/2 for pete's sake, he's going to move around a little bit.

A piece of the puzzle is missing.

I always seem to get into a major funk around this time of year. I'm sure it has something to do with not knowing what my "story" is. I am adopted and have known this since I was very little. My mom and dad made sure to tell me, that way I wouldn't find out by accident.

I was reunited with my birth mom and sisters in 2000, which has not been an easy relationship. Sometimes I often wish I had not searched. I have a decent relationship with the older of the 2 girls, 12 years younger than me. We talk at least 2 times per month. But the other sister, our age difference is just too great (20 years) that we can't seem to make a connection. I don't know where to begin with my relationship with my birthmom. I have asked many times for background information and every time the story changes. I don't know if she doesn't remember who my birth father is, or if she doesn't want me to know. Either way, it's not fair. I also had a difficult time getting medicial history out of her. I finally had to write to her siblings and they gave me a basic idea of what I needed to know. It's very frustrating.

My birthmom has never acknowledged Dylan, now 3 1/2, more than 2 times in his life. She will fly several states away to visit my sister and her baby, but has never even attempted to come visit us.. But yet she expects to be called "Grandma". In my opinion, that is a title that has to be earned. She also wants to be called "Mom" by me. She gave me life, yes, and made the choice to give me up. For that I am eternally grateful because without her, I wouldn't have Dylan. However, that is where my feelings for her end.

I know this post is very rambled, but it's something that no-one seems to understand. There's no way that they can, they aren't adopted, so this is just a way to let my feelings go and not keep everything bottled up.

Pictures

This was our first family picture taken in October 2007.

This was taken just before Christmas. This was the first time in 3 years that all of the cousins were together at the same time. Caleb was 2 weeks old when the last picture was taken.

Front row l - r: Chloe age 5, Dylan age 3 1/2, Alexa age 7

Back Row l - r: Caleb age 2 3/4, Austin 15, Ashleigh age 17, Victoria age 7 3/4

The feeling of being alone

Have you ever had one of those days when you feel like you are totally alone in the world? No moral support, no shoulder to cry on when you really need it, no-one to say "I'm here if you need to talk" and it will be ok? I have, more often than I would like to count. The last 3 1/2 years have been bad, but this last year, I can't even describe. DH & I seperated a year ago for 4 months for alot of reasons, but basically it was for what he was doing or wasn't doing. That statement itself speaks volumes. DH is on disability for alot of things, so he doesn't work. A year and a half ago, I had to place Dylan into Daycare because he wasn't able to take care of him anymore due to his health issues. I had no problem doing that because it was what was best for my child. But since then DH doesn't help with anything....dishes, laundry, taking care of Dylan, etc. If Dylan is sick, then I take off work. On occassion, he will cook dinner, but then it's back to bed. Anytime I ask for help, I get "I don't feel good" or "my back hurts". I understand he does have severe back issues, to the point where we are looking at an upcoming surgery. And NOTHING gets done unless I ASK him to do it. Then more than likely it doesn't get done anyway unless it's by me. He does help financially, but that is about it. I work part-time but I'm there fulltime hours, because it's better than listening to him complain.We split again in October, for a week. Again it was for the things he wasn't doing. I don't think my birthday has been acknowledged since we first got together. But then again neither has Valentine's Day or Mother's Day. But if I forget those days, heaven forbid. The only part of me that he seemed to acknowledge is between my neck and my knees, if you know what I mean. He never told me he loved me or that he needed me. Still doesn't do it much.Believe it or not, I love the guy. He's the father of my son. I don't want Dylan to be a statistic, however I don't want to live the rest of my life unhappy. Nor do I want to spend my life alone.If you have made it this far, I commend you and thank you for letting me vent.

My son has a heart of gold

This afternoon, I was having a really bad day due to the circumstances here and I was at my breaking point. I was trying to get Dylan down for a nap since he didn't go to daycare due to being "snuffy" (stuffy) and having a bit of a cough, and it wasn't going well. It was the last straw today. I sat on the edge of his bed and just sobbed. This wasn't due to anything that that he had done, just life in general. After a few minutes of him asking me what was wrong and me not answering, he put down his toys and wrapped his arms around me in a big hug. As if that wasn't enough, he started patting my back and saying "Mama, it's alright, Dilly's here." Was this the same 3 1/2 year old boy who was throwing his toys at me, not even 10 minutes ago? Now he's wanting to make everything all better. All I can say, is I pray to God that he continues to be this compassionate.